Tuesday, March 25, 2008

What I sought...

I've edited this post to put it into the past tense. Originally, it was called "What I Seek" but -- I've found her. I decided to keep the post for the record, but put it into the past tense.

I sought a woman who wants to be part of a committed so-called "domestic discipline" relationship. I was NOT seeking a woman who just wants to get spanked.

That said, I was willing to start slow and see how things go before we both decide to make a fundamental commitment. In this sense, a loving disciplinary relationship is no different from any other serious commitment. As it turned out, however, starting slow was not an option! When D read my blog and emailed me, we began a whirlwind process of emailing, talking on the phone, and eventually meeting. In less than a couple of weeks, we knew we had both found what we were seeking!

So, I sought seeking a woman who was seeking the same as me - a committed, loving discipline relationship. Here's what mattered most to me in terms of a good match:
  • Someone who understands and wants on-going, caring, firm discipline to help her reach her goals and to confront her mistakes
  • Someone who loves being herself and knows she can be even better
  • Someone who tries to take good care of herself (but who may need a "reminder" every once in a while :-)
  • Someone who is sweet, kind, and gentle (when she's not moody and bratty)
  • Someone who wants a relationship based on love and trust, where both people want only the best for one another
  • Someone who enjoys the little things, like cuddling, holding hands in public, long kissing sessions, staying home to watch videos and going out to see a play or walk on the beach
  • Someone who is literate, and able to carry on a meaningful conversation
  • Someone who is (probably) a professional on some level, and who values the need for discretion
  • Someone who is truly ready for this kind of experience
Now, that's a long list, but I really didn't think it's too high a bar. Her age wasn't terribly important to me (she turned out to be 12 years younger than me), but there were a few deal breakers that I felt compelled to mention. I didn't want someone who:
  • Smokes or drinks to excess, or who is into drugs (Check)
  • Isn't single and available to make a commitment (Check)
  • Has so much baggage that it drags everything down (Check)
  • Would seriously consider voting for a Republican :-) (She supports Obama)
  • Has issues with sex (Check!)
  • Is seriously overweight (Check)
  • Lives too far away. That said, I am okay within a 50 mile radius of my home. (Check! When we first met, she lived 1,500 miles from my home but already had plans to move to my home city. Now, we've found a house to live in - together!)
I was not looking for the perfect person -- just someone perfect for me. You don't have to be a beauty queen, a Barbie doll, a super-model, or any of that. Just be real. (Turns out, she's beautiful!)

I knew she was out there, and I knew we were going to meet. I asked that if she felt we might be well-matched, drop me an email. She did, and we corresponded for a bit, talked on the phone, and met in public the first time. (Does meeting in the airport in Las Vegas count as meeting in public?)

Monday, March 24, 2008

My spanking history

Like so many others, I came to the dual conclusion that I had a "spanking gene" and that I wasn't too far outside the mainstream later in life. My liberation came from the early days of AOL, when I stumbled on spanking chat rooms and discovered how many people were similarly affected.

All my life I had thought about spanking (from both perspectives) but it wasn't until I began chatting with people on AOL that I decided to have a go at it in real life. Since that time, I've enjoyed spanking relationships with several wonderful women. I've had the great honor of bringing at least three into the fold who had never been spanked before. (All have gone on to continue their exploration.)

I've spanked women from many walks of life: a kindergarden teacher, a divorce attorney, an administrative assistant with the United Nations, a woman who came all the way from England to meet me and spend four glorious days over my knee, a liberal arts professor, a student (from the same university!), a department manager at Target, a nurse, an accountant, and several others.

While I've had a wonderful time with each and every one, and learned something from each relationship, the full-time loving discipline relationship has eluded me thus far. That said, I think of them all from time to time, with fond memories of close encounters of the OTK kind.

Love: What does spanking have to do with it?

An excellent question!

To love someone is to believe in them, to cherish them, to care deeply that they reach their full potential. When I'm in a loving disciplinary relationship, I care enough not to let her maintain bad habits or do things that prevent her from being the best person she can be. Like any good coach, I intervene when she's engaged in any behavior that's self-destructive, impertinent, or just down-right naughty.

I can't stand by and watch her behave in any way that's inconsistent with the kind of person I know she really is. I can't love her and ignore her lapses in judgment, carelessness, or broken commitments.

I care enough to offer correction in a timely manner, and in a way that will facilitate her own learning. Often, that correction takes the form of a firm spanking over my knee. I've found that this method quickly re-focuses her attention on what's she done and what she needs to do differently.

There are many ways to make a correction, of course. But spanking seems to be the best for most situations. And I've found that women who are able to trust their partner to put their interests first, and provide fair and firm discipline when needed, prefer the certainty and closure that comes from being spanked when they deserve it.

Frankly, I can't imagine loving someone and not being willing to take her over my knee when it's deserved. That would be an abdication of my responsibility, which I take seriously. Maybe this is why I don't particularly enjoy the casual spanking-based relationships that I've entered in the past. They lack the context of caring, loving concern.

The Proper Spanking

There are as many perspectives on what constitutes a "proper spanking" as there are people who engage in the activity. We each have our individual tastes, styles, and methods. I can only tell you what mine are like.

To me, a proper spanking has six stages, each of which are critical to the success of the entire event. They are:
  1. Anticipation
  2. Resistance
  3. The Moment of Surrender
  4. The Warm Up
  5. The Actual Spanking
  6. The Conclusion

Most spankings are enhanced when there's a period of anticipation, be it a few minute or a full day or more. The anticipation sets the stage for a good spanking.

During anticipation, the spankee has time to contemplate what's going to happen, to wonder how she will take it, to think about how it will feel, to be curious and anxious about the methods, duration, position, and severity of the upcoming spanking.

Anticipation can occur when we are together, or when we are apart. You might know, for instance, that you are going to be spanked on an upcoming Friday, and spend the intervening time playing out the scene over and over in your mind.


To me, most proper spankings include a period of active resistance by the spankee, who may plead, bargain, avoid, taunt, verbally joust, or otherwise attempt to delay the inevitable. As a spanker, I enjoy overcoming and managing resistance and feel the time is well spent - it fuels my fire, so to speak. A resistant spankee is much more compelling than someone who simply accepts her fate and meekly complies.

The moment of surrender

There comes a moment when all hope of evading punishment is lost, when it is clear that you will have to submit, that the time for talking, bargaining, pleading innocence, making empty promises, and offering insincere apologies is over. This is a sweet moment - altogether fleeting and brief, but critical. It is the final moment before the spanking begins.

The Warm Up

Skipped or ignored by many spankers, this is the time to properly prepare your bottom for what is to follow. It begins with a series of light-to-medium hand spanks, delivered over the skirts or pants, followed by a raising of the skirt or lowering of the pants to reveal your panties for the first time. There will be slightly pink skin exposed for the first time. The warm up stings, yes, but it is quite bearable.

The Actual Spanking

Volumes have been written about this phase. There are choices to be made about positions, implemenets, severity, duration, and even what behavior is acceptable on the part of the spankee (can you rub your tush? kick your feet? etc.).

I prefer you over my knee most of all, or perhaps bent over a sofa or ottoman, or lying on your tummy on a bed or sofa.

I prefer using my hand most of all. Implements I like are the paddle, the strap, the hairbrush, and the belt. Of course not all spankings involve all implements! Decisions about which to use are made in the moment, depending on the offense and how the spanking is going.

What about severity and duration? How hard do I spank, and for how long?

I am a caring but firm partner who works hard to determine what is needed. I do not abuse my spankee, but I do try to take them to their self-perceived limit -- and perhaps just a little beyond.

I have given hard spankings which lasted throughout an evening, with occasional breaks for reprise or refreshment. These may not be typical, but they do happen. Some spankers are sprinters, some are marathoners. I guess I'm more of the latter.

That said, when it is over, it's over. I don't spank past that point. How do I know when it's time to quit? Experience. I just do.

By the way, you should have a "safe word" that means STOP NOW! I have never refused a request for a safe word, and I have never had one used. I do know what I'm doing!

In terms of your behavior during a spanking, let me say this: I like an active spankee and I deal with what comes up, like kicking, squirming, reaching back, sassing, whining, complaining, and so on. I like to see response to the spanks. You should know that whining and complaining only increases the punishment, so feel free!

If you clench your tush in anticipation of the next smack you will soon learn that I can wait until you relax. If you try to anticipate the rhythm or location of the next spank, I will be unpredictable in both speed, target and frequency.

The Conclusion

When a spanking is over, it's over. There may (or may not) be some corner time to let the lesson sink in. There might be a "cool down" hand spanking that gets lighter and lighter as time progresses. There will also be a period of intimate connection; you'll be held, comforted, soothed. I spank from a place of love and respect and connection, not from a place of anger.

We might cuddle, we might sit quietly and hold hands, we may even make love. If this is a disciplinary spanking, when it's over, it's over. You've been punished and we now move on. I don't hold on to whatever you did that earned you a trip over my knee. You did it, you were spanked for it, and it's now in the past.

To summarize

A proper spanking must be hard enough and long enough to make a lasting impression on you. You must know that you've been thoroughly and completely spanked. Your bottom will be red, and it will sting for a while. You must feel as though you've completely surrendered yourself to me and had no control over the process (while, at the same time, having complete trust that I am competent, honorable, and assertive). You will probably feel as though you can never take another spanking like this one, and yet, a while later, wonder what you have to do to get another one just like it.