Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Things are looking up!

In my last post, A Swing and A Miss, I talked about a misadventure that took place when I forgot that D/s relationships are about TWO people, not one. I was so into my Dommie head that I really ruined an evening.

Well, since then, things are really looking up!

Let me count the ways...

  1. I've gotten back into the sweet sensations that come from delivering a warm up. I'd forgotten how delicious it can be, as a way of "conditioning" D's bottom for a proper spanking, as a way of building anticipation, and as a way of extending the experience and making it last longer. She can take a longer spanking if she's warmed up, and I LOVE long spankings! But it's more than that…it's about taking a few moments to stop and touch the roses, so to speak. To let that beautiful sight of D's bare bottom flow into my headspace. To see the naked pallet awaiting some color. It's really sweet, and I am glad that I'm back in touch with all the possibilities of the warm-up.
  2. We brought home a new spreader bar the other day and gave it a whirl. Whoa! We love it. I can position D over some pillows on the bed, and restrain her legs with cuffs attached to the bar. This leaves her vulnerable and that really pushes my Dom buttons. I love ass-play, so what better way to position her for everything from licks and fingering, to feathers and necktie rubs, to butt plug play, and, of course, to spankings, paddlings and the like. I love combining the spreader bar with a blindfold, soft music, and a toy box nearby. (Of course, it can also be disconcerting when her cat perches himself on the bed to get a better view!)
  3. We snuck in a spanking in a public place that was so delicious. We were involved in a small theatrical production and arrived at the theatre one day before anyone else. We had a key and let ourselves in. Inside the deserted theatre, on the stage, in full view of the front door where other cast/crew members were due any second, I took her over my knee. At first, she plopped right down with a mischievous grin over my lap. But you should have seen the look on her face when I ordered her to stand so we could lower her pants -- and no panties underneath! She got a great hand spanking. I could see the door and knew we would have JUST enough time to "make everything right" if someone came in -- but she couldn't. And the sounds of the smacks echoing throughout the cavernous room were incredible.
So yes, I blew it the other day. But once we'd talked, and I came to my senses, we're definitely back on track and enjoying our wonderful relationship all the more.

Thanks for your patience, D! I love you!!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

A Swing and a Miss

The other night, I decided to give D a good, hard, long spanking. For no particular reason, I recall. I even tweeted about it, teasing D from a distance (knowing she'd be reading my tweets), asking my Twitter friends for "the top three reasons I should spank D tonight."

I was feeling particularly "Dommie" that night. I was a little drunk with the whole power exchange dynamic. Unfortunately, I was NOT being a good partner, and certainly not a good listener. When I look back on that evening, it was all about me, and that doesn't make for a good dance in any relationship -- top/bottom or even pure vanilla.

But, as I say, I was full of myself. And D is a good sub, sometimes to her detriment as well. She complies; she does what I ask her to do.

So I got to D's house and commenced spanking her on the sofa. Warmup? What warmup? I'm a Dom, dammit! I'll warm you up if I want to! I began whacking with my bare hand, pretty damn hard.

Then I took her into the bedroom and brought out an implement or two. I continued spanking her bare bottom, now focusing on her upper thighs. Drawing even more energy from my Dommie mindset, I wailed on D. It was a long, drawn out affair.

And through it all, I paid little if any attention to how D was responding. Sure, she took the spanking. And sure, she moaned and squirmed and pleaded for me to stop -- especially on her thighs. But I was so caught up in my so-called "dominance" of D that I completely failed to do what's so important to me (and to her): listening and responding to the cues that she was giving me.

Eventually, I tired, and it began to dawn on me that the scene had been one-sided. I began to realize that there was nothing happening here except me smacking like a madman. Even I wasn't getting anything from it. There was no sense of intimacy, no closeness, no connection, nothing.

It took some time to process what had happened, but we did, that very evening. Our conversation covered some important issues -- trust, compliance, even (what became clear) a difference of understanding about safe words.

To her credit, D took some responsibility for what happened, and I deeply appreciate that, but I must take the lion's share. A good D/s relationship doesn't exist so that the Dom can flail away on his sub. At least, that's NOT the kind of Dom I want to be (nor even believe myself to be). I had let D down, and I had let myself down. How can I be in control of a scene when I'm not in control of myself?

With the passing of some time, I have more perspective. If you've read my last post, you'll know that we are really just beginning a journey into something deeper than spanking. We'd signed up for FetLife, we'd begun exploring all kinds of new possibilities in our heads, in our conversations, and in our web explorations. I got so caught up in all that I became a child in a candy store.

The good news -- no, the great news is that D and I are able to talk it out. Not that it's easy, and not that it's fun, and not that we don't make false starts and stops. For instance, she pointed out that she'd told me several times previously how much she really hates being spanked on her thighs. I thought I'd listened to that. But no, what I'd done is translate that into, "being spanked on my thighs hurts like crazy, but it can really take me into subspace."

She finally penetrated my thick skull when she talked about the differences, for her, between the physicality of D/s play, and the "mind-fuck" of it all. And lo and behold -- once again, it turns out we're on the same page (but I didn't realize it). What sends her into subspace isn't being a pain slut, it's having her mind wrapped around letting go of controlling what's happening. She's not adverse to pain (believe me, I know this from experience!) but it's not about the pain so much as it's about finding herself in a situation in which she's surrendering her will to mine.

And that's precisely the appeal of D/s to me.

I know there are Doms out there who will take vehement difference with my take on all this. They'll say that if they want to smack their sub's thighs, or do any number of other things, it's entirely up to them and the sub had better put up with it. So be it...that's between them and their partners.

But I know that what appeals to me is not about how much suffering and pain can I produce, but rather on how well I can play with her mind. Both D and I get as much D/s pleasure out of many things which have nothing to do with pain: me choosing her wardrobe for the evening, or whether she'll be allowed to have an orgasm when she nears climax, or, for that matter, whether or not she'll be spanked.

So I swung but I missed. And I learned a lot that evening. The journey continues...

The really good news? Today, we played with a spreader bar, a blindfold, a necktie, a paddle and my bare hand. We had a fabulous time. One of our best in quite a while.

Wanna hear about it?