Sunday, August 8, 2010

8 Simple Rules for Spanking My Girlfriend

D and I enjoy spanking parties, from small, private house parties to large, famous sponsored parties like Florida Moonshine and Shadowlane. We play with others, in a variety of ways from publicly (in the ballroom), to privately – sometimes we’re together, sometimes we independently play with partners alone in our (or their) room.

There is often confusion when a Top wants to spank my girlfriend, especially when the three of us are not well acquainted. Perhaps we’ve just been introduced, or we’re all at the same suite party, and you’ve got a hankerin’ to take D over your knee.

If so, I have eight simple rules for doing so. PLEASE NOTE: These are my rules, not the rules. They may or may not apply to other bottoms and other couples.
  1. Don’t assume that just because you’re a Top, and she’s a bottom, and we’re at a spanking party, that she wants to be spanked by you. She might and she might not. It’s not a given. And speaking of saying “no,” that might or might not be about you. She may have something else she wants to do right now. She may just not feel like it. There’s countless reasons she might say “no.” But it is no. No means no. It doesn’t mean “not right now,” unless that is specifically what she says.
  2. If I’m present when you extend the invitation to play, it’s “professional courtesy” to speak to me first, just as you would if we were at a dance and you wanted to dance with her. It has to do with old-fashioned chivalry. I’d expect that you would give me the courtesy by saying something like “If it’s alright with you, I’m going to ask D to play.”
  3. That being said, D will make up her own mind whether she wants to play with you. I might not even be around when the invitation is extended; she is under no obligation to make sure it’s okay with me first. (That’s NOT the case for everyone, so if you ask a bottom to play and she tells you she – or you – must check with her Top first, do not be offended. That’s how some couples work it out and you must respect that.)
  4. If you’ve established yourself as a silent, non-speaking lurker or a creepy, leering guy who doesn’t understand personal space and/or respecting a scene when it’s unfolding in a suite party, don’t even ask if she wants to play. The answer is going to be no.
  5. You WILL engage in some conversation before playing so you’ll know her safe word, her choice of implements she’ll allow you to use, and any limits she has. Don’t assume you can “read” her body and her reactions because you’re such an experienced Top. Having her tell you what she wants (and doesn’t want) from a scene is not topping from the bottom. It’s common sense and courtesy and if you can’t engage in a conversation beforehand (no pun intended) then you may not play with her.
  6. You must allow D to let me know where she is at all times. If she wants to call me, text me, or otherwise communicate with me that must be honored. If you’re playing semi-privately with D in a suite party, I expect to be allowed to enter the bedroom at any time to make sure she’s doing okay and having fun.
  7. No sex. None. Not “real sex,” not “Bill Clinton” sex, not even an “accidental” stray hand in the wrong place sex. Anything that goes beyond spanking will be hazardous to your health.
  8. At all times, remember she’s there to party, just like you are. Spanking her so hard she can’t enjoy the rest of the party is verboten.  And your reputation will suffer. Never forget that word gets around quickly and you could soon find yourself without play partners.

So that’s it. It’s my version of “safe, sane, and consensual.” I want D to have a great time, and to play with whomever she wants. I trust her completely, as she does me. (By the way, I follow my own rules when I ask someone to play with me.) If you can stay within these guidelines, and she wants to play with you, you’re going to have a great time. If you can’t, there will be consequences.


  1. Good post.I totally agree and we are probably even one of those couples who are mentioned in rule #3 that require she makes sure it is ok each and every time.
    I can see how at a large party it must be confusing to other tops, espiecially single's. You have rules, I have even more stringent rules, but then other couples play separate and are free to do whatever/whenever. I have even heard of women getting upset at the very idea of having to ask their dom/top/husband /boyfriend if it's ok to play with someone. It's strange how many different sets of rules there are for different people. I guess it comes back to communication, talking with people for a while, asking how they play and investing time to get to know them. Taking time to do this is hard at suite parties but if you do invest the time you may end up with real friends and not just a play session. R

  2. Yes!! This is very eloquently written and well-thought out. I know it sometimes takes a while for newbies to learn proper "protocol," but on some level it saddens me that there are people out there who choose not to follow these rules. Really, most of your rules are about respect. A top needs to respect a bottom's wishes, needs, and boundaries too, which to me is a no-given, but apparently some folks have trouble with that.

    The idea that someone would try to stop a bottom from contacting their partner or not take the time to establish a safeword just blows me away. The idea that someone would think they have to right to push something so far that they injure the bottom or take things to an inappropriate sexual level is just sickening. Thank you for posting these rules..we need to hold each other accountable so spanky functions can be fun and safe for all of us. Sending you and D much love, Celine

  3. this is cool and all but i was kind of looking for some info on talking with my boyfriend about discipline. i can tell by his voice, tone, and body language that he may b a good candidate for disciplining...even though he doesnt fully know it yet. Sometimes when i tick him off he smacks my ass lightly but serious at the same time.Sometimes he leans down and warns me not to do something a way that makes me wonder if there was more to that comment. I asked him to buy me some cigerettes and once he finally gave me an answer he said "i will buy you cigerettes but i will only give you one when I feel youve been good." I agreed and he started hugging me saying "you are such a good person...youre good people.." But he never did what he said he was going to with the cigs. Go figure. Ive encouraged him in round about ways. He always threatens to spank me for one thing or another(yes, lagitimate things too) and one time and keeping it lighthearted i said " can spank me if you want." He said "no,im not going to spank you just dont do it again." He said it with grace and in such a tone that i thought 'oh,i guss i can count myself lucky this time." My thought is he is afraid to hurt me. I dont know that for sure. There are times when he gets so annoyed and he just walks around being pissy and isolates. He flips out over things that pile up one after the other. For instance the toilet was clogged. He was so mad. I had a feeling that it was my fault but i wasnt confessing this to him. He was mad enough for my stress level. Part of me wishes I would have been honest in the first place he could have handled it however and get over it faster. Isnt spanking suppose to help a man maintain control? If they know they can discipline the aggression can b taken out at the spanking.all gets communicated that is necessary..everyone kisses and makes up. Well, what did happen is I decided to go for a drive because i was wondering why my man has so many of these episodes of back and forth moodiness. He always works it out and lastnight he text me that he was sorry and to please come home. I didnt get it so i sat outside listening to old songs from an old boyfriend that loved me very well once. Im trying to give that to this guy and he is very responsive. I am always checking to make sure the temperature of my relationship is not one of low standards. I dont want to compromise on certain issues. This new guy is humble and willing to learn what a relationship is about and what it takes. This to me is a real man. Even with all his faults. Hes beautiful based on what he does well because its areas i have not seen too many men living in, even the Christian ones. Anyhow, he apologized and i told him the truth eventually once I felt safer to do so. I have a feeling to lighten the blow to his own heart he might integrate a punishment into some foreplay. If he hopes for this opportunity is he far off from actual discipline?