Wednesday, December 29, 2010

A new chapter - the plot thickens...

Well, Gentle Reader, it's been awhile again. And the plot has definitely thickened. There's trouble in Paradise, and it looks like some rough water ahead. 

So let me get serious. 

D and I have been out of sync for a while. Two or three months, perhaps. At first I was blaming the fact that we both had some tremendous personal challenges, from dealing with deaths in the family to the crushing stress of the lackluster economy on our self-employment. But it turns out there was more going on that I had imagined. 

Yesterday, D sent me an email containing a message she intended to publish on FetLife and on her own blog as well. I'm going to reproduce it here:

So Long, and Thanks For All The Fish

My kink is gone. Vanished. Gone down some black hole not destined to emerge anytime soon.

My libido is non-existent. Nada. Dead.

These days I’m either extremely sad/depressed or happy and overjoyed. No in-between.  A veritable roller-coaster of emotions. Feeling like I’m going fucking insane.

My self-esteem is at the lowest it could ever be. When looking in the mirror (which I try to avoid at all costs these days), I just see an old, fat and ugly woman staring back.

When did all this happen? I can’t really put a date on it. But it did all come on rather suddenly.  It was like a switch was flipped and I realized I’m not the person I was, and will never be again. And that really pisses me off, because I really liked her.

Oh, did I mention the hot flashes and the cold sweats?

Yes, so it seems that I might be going through the evil that is Menopause. Being a woman “of a certain age” (I loathe that phrase - the hell with it, I’m 48), it seems the most likely of scenarios. I am told it might last a couple months to several years.

Great.

So while I’m going through this “period” (pun intended), I have decided at the beginning of the new year I will be discontinue my blog and be taking down my Fetlife profile. I haven’t done anything with either for a long time and honestly I’m not comfortable any longer with pics, etc. being online. Fankly, looking at them just depresses me even further.

There have been many wonderful people I have met through this part of my life and I am grateful for that. I hope I do not offend or make friends feel like I don’t care. I do. My problem is, I hardly have the energy these days to keep me going and I’ve got nothing left over for anything or anyone else.

The best person I have been blessed to have as part of my life is G. Through all this is has been a gentleman and much more understanding that I know I have ever would have been. That’s all I’ll say here, I’ll let him elaborate if he wishes. I just want him to know I am grateful and I do not take him at all for granted.

Hopefully with a new year, will come new realizations. I sure hope so. I don’t know how much longer I can take this insanity.

So you can see what I mean about heading into a new chapter of our relationship. 

My reaction to her post was kaleidoscopic. By that I mean that I had/have several reactions, which I'm still sorting out (and will be sorting out for some time to come). Here's some of them, in no particular order:

  1. D is suffering big time. Can I help? Can I be there for her? How DO you help a woman facing menopause? 
  2. OMG! Is this the end of us? Will her lack of interest in kink and sex be permanent, as she seems to think at the moment, and if so, does that mean we're through as lovers?
  3. What else can this lousy year 2010 throw at us? 
  4. What does a "Responsible Top" do in situations like this, anyway? 
  5. Can I live without delivering frequent (or any, for that matter) spankings for a while? (Answer: Yes, of course I can.)
  6. Should I give her more space? Even avoid her as much as possible?
  7. For that matter, should I move out and find another place (yet again) to live in?
  8. On the other hand, if I give her too much space, will she get used to not having me around?
  9. Can I learn not to take the mood swings personally? 
The list goes on and on. For most of the questions, I do not have any answers. Yet. 

Here's the thing: I love D. I hate that she has to go through this, and I'm determined she doesn't have to go through it alone (if she'll let me learn how to support her). Spanking, as wonderful as it is, takes second place (a distant second) to being her friend. So does sex. Spanking may have brought us together, but it isn't the only thing that keeps us together. In fact, if it were, I would find that troublesome. 

The chapter has just begun and we've only "read" a few pages. I have no idea how this will play out. I have found that at times, when I think about what's happening, I get anxious. At other times, I feel a sense of calm confidence that we can get through this, no matter how difficult, and no matter how long it takes. 

All I know is we were both surprised, or stunned, and that D is hurting and I want to take care of her, and I don't really know the best way to support her right now. But I'm going to learn. I've already begun the internet research and found a GREAT website/forum which has tons of information. My job right now is to learn, learn, and learn some more about this situation. 

If you have any suggestions, or advice, please post a comment below. And - thanks for reading.