Thursday, January 27, 2011

Crumbling Dreams

If you've read much of this blog, you know that it's the chronicles of D and I, who met as a result of this very blog. We began our relationship nearly three years ago.

Tonight, as I write this, it feels like all my dreams are crumbling around me. I know D feels the same. You can read her blog for some of her perspective.

Last year was a rough one for both of us. For me, it was the year that both of my parents passed (in January and November). It was a year when my business revenue hit new lows, to the point where I had to file for bankruptcy in December.

D and I had found an ideal living arrangement (for us) which involved renting two houses that were only three blocks apart. Situated like this, we could easily be together as much as we wanted, and get plenty of "alone" time as needed. It was perfect. I loved my little house, and she loved hers.

With both of us struggling financially the second half the year it finally made no sense to pay for two places, so I gave mine up and moved in with D. While it works on a financial level, it's been less than ideal on a human level.

For instance, D had to give up being able to park her car in her garage, since it's now filled with a lot of my junk that is stored there. I had to give up my cute little house and move into a bedroom on the first floor of the townhouse. We both had to give up a lot of privacy. Yes, we've been saving money on expenses, and there are some other advantages to living together that we enjoy, but this place is "hers," not "ours," as much as we try to see it differently, and it's cramped quarters for the both of us.

Then, D began to experience symptoms of menopause a few months ago. As they progressed, our relationship began to change. She lost her libido and her kink. Poof! Gone - vanished - disappeared. So, there went our sex life, and there went our mutual interest (until then) in spanking and such.

I began to research menopause to see what I could do to help. Frankly, beyond the obvious, there's not much I can do. I can be patient (and I am), I can make sure I don't take her mood swings personally (I don't), and I can give her space when she needs it, and be available to her when she needs that.

But the net result of all this is that so many of the dreams I had when I first published this blog, and which began to come to fruition shortly afterwards, are now crumbling around us. Neither of us wanted what's happening to happen, and both of us feel like forces far greater than us are at play here.

D is the most important person in my life, and I stand ready to do whatever I can to be her friend. For example, if that means we move once again into different apartments, then that's what we'll do.

D had planned to come to the Boardwalk Badness Weekend with me for some time now. We had such a blast last year. It dawned on me that this year, she was probably coming only because she cares enough about me that she wanted me to come and have fun. She didn't want to play, but she did want to connect with old friends. I discussed all of this with her, and "released" her from any obligation to attend.

I appreciate her willingness, but if her heart's not into it, then she shouldn't go. I still plan to attend, unless additional financial pressures make it impossible.

I just hope against hope that all of this stuff - health issues, financial issues, and so on don't prove fatal to what has been the most incredible, powerful, loving, amazing relationship I've ever known. 

Time will tell.