Friday, December 7, 2012

And so it goes...

Last time, I told you that both D and I have been trying to deal with some very Real Life issues, and that some of them were financial in nature.

We've both been struggling making ends meet, but no one more than D, who's business (she's a free lancer) has plummeted this year. She finally decided to start interviewing for in-house positions, and I've been helping her write her resume, cover letters, and the like.

She's actually been doing well throughout the process, although she hasn't been seeing it that way. I say that because after emailing 40-50 cover letters, she's been asked to come to three different initial interviews. That's WAY more than what other people I know have gotten.

Anyway, long story short, she was getting really discouraged because she wasn't getting a call back from these interviews, all of which she'd thought had gone very well. That is, until today.

She got an email from an organization she'd interviewed with (via Skype) a couple of weeks ago. They'd told her they would have a decision nearly a week ago...and she heard nothing. Then today, unexpectedly, she got an email - and they want to make her an offer next week.

Shouldn't that be fabulous news? Shouldn't I be jumping up and down?

While I'm very happy for her, and proud of her, and excited for her, I'm also human. Did I mention a couple of paragraphs back - this organization is located 525 miles from where we live? I probably should have said something about that. It's a rather important detail.

To take the job, she'll have to move. And that changes everything about us. If there even will be an us once she moves.

That's why I call this post "And so it goes..."

We came together when she found this blog I had started four and a half years ago. She lived far away, but we met and fell in love and she moved here. Now, it would appear, she's about to move away.

I'm sorry. I really can't tell you how I feel about this. It's too painful, and right now, as I write this post, I have it bottled up inside. Not sure when or even if I'll be back to keep blogging. I hope you understand.

And so it goes...

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Life goes on...

It's been a couple of months since I posted, and at that time, we'd just come back from the Shadow Lane party.

Since then, that thing we call Real Life has come sharply into focus. In the community of people who follow blogs like this one, and participate in spanking, discipline, BDSM, and the like, the term Real Life means Life Without Kink - or at least, that's what it seems to mean when I hear friends who do TTWD talk about it.

For me (and for us) that's definitely true. We've been in a kink-slump ever since coming back from Shadow Lane. Kink has taken a back seat because other things have become a higher priority - like finding enough work to pay the rent, etc.

I won't bore you with all the details. I just wanted to get something up here for my Loyal Readers so you'll know we're still around, we're okay, and we're just trying to meet the challenges of Real Life for a while.

We'll see how it goes.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Back from Shadow Lane 2012

We're back from our third Shadow Lane party a few days ago. We're beginning to see ourselves almost as "old timers" at these large parties now, having gone to three Shadow Lanes, two Boardwalk Badness, and one Florida Moonshine party since 2008. 

In some ways, this was the strangest one yet. 

For one thing, I didn't spank anyone - even D, and she didn't play with anyone - even me. That has to be a first! 

We drove to Las Vegas a couple of days early, and joined four good friends (that we'd met at our first Shadow Lane party) for a day on a boat on Lake Mead. The six of us quickly got naked and we frolicked and enjoyed the hell out of that boat and the beautiful day. I hadn't laughed that much in ages. 

The ladies were all good sports, letting us take naughty pictures and give them playful spankings. It was a great way to ramp up to Shadow Lane. 

But at the party, neither D nor I had much interest in any of the suite parties, and so we didn't attend them. The first night's Vendor Fair was just so-so with lousy food, so we went out afterwards for dinner, rather than hitting the suite parties. 

We had a long, deep, emotional conversation. (There seems to be something about spanking parties that brings this out in us.)

D was describing her changing tastes in kink. Gone is the days when she felt naughty and mischievous dressing in a school girl skirt and doing a scene. She thought that I was still very much into that, and she thought that this could be a problem between us. Some of her change of heart stems from the fact that she's fast approaching her 50th birthday, and she feels silly wearing something like a little plaid skirt or a cheerleading outfit at her age. 

She also revealed that she's been wondering "for some time" whether I was seriously interested in underage girls given what she thought as my preference for spanking "younger" (in dress, at least) women. 

She even asked what would happen if she searched my computer for images - would there be child porn on there? 

Talk about being shocked! First of all, I HATE child porn. There's nothing on my computer and she's welcome to search it unannounced. Second of all, I, too, have been moving away from fantasies about spanking D in a schoolgirl or cheerleading outfit. 

What bothered me even more than the idea that she could think I was a child predator was the realization that she could have this thought for some time (she never said how long) and not tell me. 

Here's what brought this all on: 

I had been in contact with two great spanko friends (a married couple) with whom we'd had our first great scene ever, way back at our first Shadow Lane party in 2008. In that scene, D did dress in a schoolgirl outfit. She got paddled and spanked by a "principal," a  "vice principal," and her "teacher" (me.) 

It was a hot, hot scene and all four of us loved it. So, I had been in touch with R and S to see if they wanted to do a surprise reprise of the scene with D and I at this party. And they were. So, while trying to keep it a surprise, I asked D to bring her schoolgirl outfit and cheerleading outfit to the party. She, of course, knew nothing about the reprise, so she naturally assumed that I wanted her to wear these things either to a suite party or to a private scene with me. That made her wonder (apparently) how young I liked my spankos (even in fantasy) and whether I was really into little girls. 

Well, the surprise never happened - the truth leaked out after we were on the boat. But it didn't erase her concerns, which is why we had to discuss them at dinner on the first evening. 

The next day she was convinced I would not want to have anything to do with her, and she was even looking up air fare to return home alone. I did not feel that way. I wanted her to "fake it until she made it" and start participating with the friends we had come this far to enjoy - and to her credit, she did. 

We didn't play with others (with two exceptions I'll describe later), but we had great conversations and spent time with several people who are important to us - and laid the groundwork for private play and interaction with them after Shadow Lane. 

And the two exceptions? 

Well, I asked S to top me because I wanted another experience as a sub/bottom, and she did, and it was fantastic, although my conclusion was interesting to me: I like occasionally bottoming, but I'm a Top/Dom through and through, and that's where I'll probably spend 95% of my time. 

And the other? 

Well, D has had a good friendship with the same S for some time, and the last time together, they both hinted to each other they'd like to see what would happen, and how it would be, if they got sexual together. This time, at Shadow Lane, they did just that. D had her first bisexual (or lesbian) experience ever - and from what she tells me, it was wonderful.

I was not jealous, and in fact I encouraged her to act on her impulses and desires. After all, we've begun to describe ourselves as being in an Open Relationship, and if that's true, there's going to be sex with others. 

Anyway, perhaps I should focus on my reaction / response to this incident in a separate post. Suffice it to say it was wonderful for D and S, and wonderful (in terms of its impact) on D and me. 

Once again, we chose not to hit the suite parties that night, but instead spend most of it in deep conversation with R and S. 

After the party, D and I treated ourselves to one more night in Vegas, at the beautiful Aria hotel, where we got a corner suite with a deep jacuzzi bathtub and stunning views of the Strip. Sure, an indulgence, but it made the whole week a bit more special, and it eliminated the tough traffic returning home, because we stayed one day longer than most tourists. 

And now you know the rest of the story... :) 

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

The Real World and the Imagined World

When I began this blog over four years ago, I did not anticipate that there would be times when the Real World would be so vastly different from the Imagined World.

After all, I had just met a Real Woman who matched (and even exceeded) my Imagined Woman, when I thought about having a new relationship that included spanking and domestic discipline.

I thought that my blog would simply be a chronicle of our activities going forward, including the ups and downs (although I doubted there would be many of these!). I believed then that we could create any Real World we wanted from our imaginations. We had just done that - why couldn't that continue forever?

Here we are, four+ years later, and I've come to understand that there can be a wide gap between the Real World and any Imagined World, and that the trick to living in the Real World has to do with acceptance and letting go of imagined outcomes.

In the Real World of August, 2012, D and I are still together, but in a vastly different way than when we started back in 2008. We don't live together, of course. We see each other often, and we're great friends (and I think lovers), but we've evolved to a place where we describe our relationship as an Open Relationship, and, more importantly (at least as I write this), we do not center our lives around a shared kink experience by any means.

Yes, we're still "into" spanking and going to dungeons and play parties and all of that, but it's not the central focus of our lives these days. It's been replaced, as often happens when the Real World asserts itself, with attention to shaky finances, boredom and burnout with regard to our careers, and a general sense of "Is this all there is?" with regard to the world in general.

Speaking for myself only (and not necessarily for D), I find that my interest in kink tends to come and go nowadays. It becomes loud and clear from time to time, and it recedes into a quiet place to lie dormant at other times. This has happened enough for me not to worry when it recedes - it's not going to disappear and never come back. It's just "resting," I suppose.

That's where we are today - struggling with some real issues, both individually and as a couple, that have emerged in the Real World. We are planning to go to the Shadow Lane party at the end of the month, and we've both agreed to be "up" for that and "fake it till we make it" if necessary.

I'm looking forward to it. If nothing else, it will be a break from the Real World, and I'll get to see (and play) with good friends we've made over the past four years.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

The Topping of G

Brazilian novelist Paulo Coelho has said, “You have to take risks. You will only understand the miracle of life fully when you allow the unexpected to happen.”
Recently, at the latest BBW, I “allowed the unexpected to happen,” and the result was eye-opening and mind-boggling. At its core was an invitation to grow and expand my understanding of who I am.
To begin with, for as long as I can remember, I’ve identified as a Top and more recently, as a Dom. For several years, I’ve enjoyed a relationship with D, which has been chronicled on this blog. Throughout that time, I’ve been a Top and Dom to her, and she’s been a bottom and sub to me.
I’ve teased her occasionally about having a bit of Top in her personality, but she’s consistently denied it. And she’s been suggesting lately that I might find some benefit or attraction being a bottom to someone, and I’ve said, “Um, no. That’s not me.” Or, “Well, I might try it someday – just to better understand what it feels like for you.”
Fast forward to April, 2012, BBW. It’s Sunday night – the last night, hours after the amazing boat ride, and D and I are in her room. (She was sharing a room with our friend GaryNYC. He’s is a male switch who loves bottoming to women.)
D has played hard all weekend, and I’ve done the same – but not with each other. It was GaryNYC who actually asked D if she’d like the room for some “alone time” with me, and she took him up on the offer.
Throughout the weekend, GaryNYC had also been suggesting to D that she had some Top in her personality, and he hoped she might top him (GaryNYC) before the weekend ended. But that hadn’t happened, and the weekend was almost over.
So there we were (D and I) with some time to enjoy one another, and we began undressing (of course). After she removed her long skirt and top, D paused, and said, “I think I’m going to leave these on,” referring to her boots, bra, garters and black fish net stockings.
If ever D looked like a Top or a Domme, this was it. It was palpable and electric to me – and I wasn’t expecting it at all.
I noticed a hairbrush nearby, handed it to her, and leaned over the bed. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was something like, “Well, if you’re going to dress like that, you should probably be smacking me with something like this.”
I said it in jest. I never thought she would. And I was clearly in Top/Dom headspace myself.
But she took the brush and delivered two stingy smacks. Ouch! WTF???
I stood up, rubbed my still covered bottom, and was about to say something, when D said, “Did I tell you to stand up? Get back into position!”
Head snap!
All I could murmer was, “Yes ma’am.” And I got back into position.
Without going into a “blow by blow” account, I’ll just say this. D clearly topped me; she took control, she fucked with my mind, she spanked me hard, and there was no doubt that I was not pretending to be a bottom in the scene; I WAS a bottom. My mind was soon in over-drive.
Suddenly, she got a text message from GaryNYC. He wanted to come to the room to retrieve his wallet or something. (And remember, he had hoped that D might top him this weekend as well.) D texted him to come on up.
She had me stay in position on the bed, naked, pillows under my reddening bottom, while she posed in front of the door with a paddle in her hand. GaryNYC got to the door, opened it, saw D, then saw me, and his jaw dropped.
From that point on, it was game on. D topped GaryNYC and me for quite some time. We both got a good thrashing. I got further disciplined for failing to keep my mouth shut. It was exciting, thrilling, painful and mind-blowing on so many levels: I was being topped; I was able to watch D top someone else; I got a proper spanking that I won’t soon forget.
Afterwards, we all went downstairs and had a cocktail and tried to assimilate what had just happened. I felt good. I felt closer to D than ever before, and I felt close to GaryNYC as well. I was so proud of D for “leaning into her discomfort” to test the waters as a Top. I was also proud of myself for doing the same thing – in reverse.
Since that time, I’ve had the opportunity to reflect on the experience and what it might mean. Until that evening, I couldn’t imagine that as a Top/Dom I could be willing, much less want, to experience the other side of the paddle (except as a so-called learning experience to see what an implement feels like).
What I’ve discovered – and this is MY truth, not necessarily THE truth – is that I’m more complicated than I’d thought; that I’m not just a Top or a Dom or a combination of the two; that I have some bottom/sub aspects to my personality which I’ve apparently kept repressed and/or hidden from my own view until now.
I now think I’m about 60% Dom, 30% Top, and 10% Bottom/Sub. What most people call a Switch, I guess. I don’t (yet) consider myself a Switch, but rather a Dom/Top who might switch from time to time. Perhaps that’s just semantics, but it works for me.
And now you know all about the Topping of G.

Monday, June 4, 2012

It Ain't Over 'Till The Fat Lady Sings

On March 1, 2012 I wrote a post called "Epilogue: The Final Post," which included these words: 

"We met, we fell in love, we moved in together, we grew, we experimented, we learned, we discovered some issues, we moved into separate houses, we almost broke up, we stayed together, we kept on, we moved in together again (for purely financial reasons), we grew apart, we split up, we moved into separate places, we have tried to remain friends, we struggled with all of this along the way, and now, we are each back "on our own."

Three months later, and it's very clear that my "final post" was premature. 

While from a purely technical perspective D and I are each "on our own," we are far from being disconnected. It's a long story (the past three months), and I hope to document it in subsequent posts. 

For example, we ended up attending the Boardwalk Badness Weekend in April - but separately, each with a different roommate. We had a fantastic time - both independently and together. That's a post in itself. 

We had a life changing event unfold at BBW - D topped me! That's a great story and I promise to share it soon. 

Since returning from BBW, we've: attended a Dom Con, visited a dungeon called the Lair in Los Angeles, where I was topped in public by D and an amazing Domme, and attended a private spanking party with six great friends (two of them brand new to us). 

More important, we've each done quite a bit of soul searching about who we are (not as a couple, but who EACH of us is on our own). This has led D to begin identifying herself as a Switch, while I see myself as a Dom/Top who will occasionally bottom to the right person. 

And these days I'm into rope. Yep, rope. Shimari and other forms of rope bondage. I'm the rigger, not the riggee. :)

So, in terms of how we see our relationship, we now define ourselves as being in an open relationship. We see each other as our primary partner, and insist that anyone else who comes into one or the other of our lives must know and accept that we are in this relationship. 

It's all way too much to put into one post. But as I said above, I'll fill in the details in the near future. 

The epilogue was premature. Rumors of the death of our relationship are greatly exaggerated and should be ignored! 

It feels good to be back posting. 

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Epilogue: The Final Post

I began this blog four years ago, in March, 2008. I haven't posted in many months, as I've been sorting out the dissolution of the relationship this blog is all about. The time has come for  my final post (most likely), although I will keep the blog open because I think there are things in here still worth sharing with others.

It's been an awesome, amazing, unpredictable, and fascinating journey that I've documented here. The 89 previous posts tell the story and reveal the full arc of my relationship with a woman named D, from onset to closure - a loving journey that in many ways was far more than I could have hoped for, and perhaps far briefer than I would have chosen.

I began the blog to see if I might attract a woman who shared my interest in a relationship that focused on (but wasn't exclusively built on) "domestic discipline." That is, I knew I wanted to be in a relationship that included discipline, but was also a complete relationship in other ways too. I wanted to find someone to love, not just to spank. 

In fact, in one of my earliest posts, I described it this way:

"I sought a woman who wants to be part of a committed so-called "domestic discipline" relationship. I was NOT seeking a woman who just wants to get spanked." 

Traditional methods of finding a love-interest (what an odd term!) hadn't been working. This was an experiment - I'd publish the blog, describing me, what I liked (and didn't like), what I was looking for, and so forth, to see what might happen. I was going to "trust the Universe" to bring me what I sought.

And, it did. Almost immediately. I was contacted by D, we began corresponding, and quickly realized there was something there - a spark - perhaps some magic - and we made plans to meet. You can read all the stories of what happened next if you look at the posts.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Literally. Our loving relationship, as originally formed, is history.

The short version?

We met, we fell in love, we moved in together, we grew, we experimented, we learned, we discovered some issues, we moved into separate houses, we almost broke up, we stayed together, we kept on, we moved in together again (for purely financial reasons), we grew apart, we split up, we moved into separate places, we have tried to remain friends, we struggled with all of this along the way, and now, we are each back "on our own."

As I say, if you want the details, they're all pretty much here.

Looking back, would I do it all over again, knowing it would end with sadness and pain?

In a heartbeat.

Love's too precious to worry about whether it will last. It might; it might not. But when it comes your way, seize it. Take the ride for as long as it goes. It's completely worth any pain that may come at the end. There will be an end. You will break up, or one of you will die. And that will be painful. 

D is a wonderful, amazing, complicated, fascinating, and genuine person. She's also, at times, a royal pain in the ass. I'm positive she'd say the same things about me. I accept that as well.

I had a life-changing experience with her, and I'm happy down to my bones that it happened.

Now it's time to find out what the next chapter in my life will be.

If you're interested in a domestic discipline relationship, I encourage you to go through this blog and see what can happen - the good and the not-so-good. We entered unchartered waters (for us) when we started. I wish I could have read a blog like this as we set out. That's why I'm leaving it open for a while.

And now, it's time to say "Au revoir." Gentle Reader, I wish you well.