Sunday, June 10, 2012

The Topping of G

Brazilian novelist Paulo Coelho has said, “You have to take risks. You will only understand the miracle of life fully when you allow the unexpected to happen.”
Recently, at the latest BBW, I “allowed the unexpected to happen,” and the result was eye-opening and mind-boggling. At its core was an invitation to grow and expand my understanding of who I am.
To begin with, for as long as I can remember, I’ve identified as a Top and more recently, as a Dom. For several years, I’ve enjoyed a relationship with D, which has been chronicled on this blog. Throughout that time, I’ve been a Top and Dom to her, and she’s been a bottom and sub to me.
I’ve teased her occasionally about having a bit of Top in her personality, but she’s consistently denied it. And she’s been suggesting lately that I might find some benefit or attraction being a bottom to someone, and I’ve said, “Um, no. That’s not me.” Or, “Well, I might try it someday – just to better understand what it feels like for you.”
Fast forward to April, 2012, BBW. It’s Sunday night – the last night, hours after the amazing boat ride, and D and I are in her room. (She was sharing a room with our friend GaryNYC. He’s is a male switch who loves bottoming to women.)
D has played hard all weekend, and I’ve done the same – but not with each other. It was GaryNYC who actually asked D if she’d like the room for some “alone time” with me, and she took him up on the offer.
Throughout the weekend, GaryNYC had also been suggesting to D that she had some Top in her personality, and he hoped she might top him (GaryNYC) before the weekend ended. But that hadn’t happened, and the weekend was almost over.
So there we were (D and I) with some time to enjoy one another, and we began undressing (of course). After she removed her long skirt and top, D paused, and said, “I think I’m going to leave these on,” referring to her boots, bra, garters and black fish net stockings.
If ever D looked like a Top or a Domme, this was it. It was palpable and electric to me – and I wasn’t expecting it at all.
I noticed a hairbrush nearby, handed it to her, and leaned over the bed. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was something like, “Well, if you’re going to dress like that, you should probably be smacking me with something like this.”
I said it in jest. I never thought she would. And I was clearly in Top/Dom headspace myself.
But she took the brush and delivered two stingy smacks. Ouch! WTF???
I stood up, rubbed my still covered bottom, and was about to say something, when D said, “Did I tell you to stand up? Get back into position!”
Head snap!
All I could murmer was, “Yes ma’am.” And I got back into position.
Without going into a “blow by blow” account, I’ll just say this. D clearly topped me; she took control, she fucked with my mind, she spanked me hard, and there was no doubt that I was not pretending to be a bottom in the scene; I WAS a bottom. My mind was soon in over-drive.
Suddenly, she got a text message from GaryNYC. He wanted to come to the room to retrieve his wallet or something. (And remember, he had hoped that D might top him this weekend as well.) D texted him to come on up.
She had me stay in position on the bed, naked, pillows under my reddening bottom, while she posed in front of the door with a paddle in her hand. GaryNYC got to the door, opened it, saw D, then saw me, and his jaw dropped.
From that point on, it was game on. D topped GaryNYC and me for quite some time. We both got a good thrashing. I got further disciplined for failing to keep my mouth shut. It was exciting, thrilling, painful and mind-blowing on so many levels: I was being topped; I was able to watch D top someone else; I got a proper spanking that I won’t soon forget.
Afterwards, we all went downstairs and had a cocktail and tried to assimilate what had just happened. I felt good. I felt closer to D than ever before, and I felt close to GaryNYC as well. I was so proud of D for “leaning into her discomfort” to test the waters as a Top. I was also proud of myself for doing the same thing – in reverse.
Since that time, I’ve had the opportunity to reflect on the experience and what it might mean. Until that evening, I couldn’t imagine that as a Top/Dom I could be willing, much less want, to experience the other side of the paddle (except as a so-called learning experience to see what an implement feels like).
What I’ve discovered – and this is MY truth, not necessarily THE truth – is that I’m more complicated than I’d thought; that I’m not just a Top or a Dom or a combination of the two; that I have some bottom/sub aspects to my personality which I’ve apparently kept repressed and/or hidden from my own view until now.
I now think I’m about 60% Dom, 30% Top, and 10% Bottom/Sub. What most people call a Switch, I guess. I don’t (yet) consider myself a Switch, but rather a Dom/Top who might switch from time to time. Perhaps that’s just semantics, but it works for me.
And now you know all about the Topping of G.

Monday, June 4, 2012

It Ain't Over 'Till The Fat Lady Sings

On March 1, 2012 I wrote a post called "Epilogue: The Final Post," which included these words: 

"We met, we fell in love, we moved in together, we grew, we experimented, we learned, we discovered some issues, we moved into separate houses, we almost broke up, we stayed together, we kept on, we moved in together again (for purely financial reasons), we grew apart, we split up, we moved into separate places, we have tried to remain friends, we struggled with all of this along the way, and now, we are each back "on our own."

Three months later, and it's very clear that my "final post" was premature. 

While from a purely technical perspective D and I are each "on our own," we are far from being disconnected. It's a long story (the past three months), and I hope to document it in subsequent posts. 

For example, we ended up attending the Boardwalk Badness Weekend in April - but separately, each with a different roommate. We had a fantastic time - both independently and together. That's a post in itself. 

We had a life changing event unfold at BBW - D topped me! That's a great story and I promise to share it soon. 

Since returning from BBW, we've: attended a Dom Con, visited a dungeon called the Lair in Los Angeles, where I was topped in public by D and an amazing Domme, and attended a private spanking party with six great friends (two of them brand new to us). 

More important, we've each done quite a bit of soul searching about who we are (not as a couple, but who EACH of us is on our own). This has led D to begin identifying herself as a Switch, while I see myself as a Dom/Top who will occasionally bottom to the right person. 

And these days I'm into rope. Yep, rope. Shimari and other forms of rope bondage. I'm the rigger, not the riggee. :)

So, in terms of how we see our relationship, we now define ourselves as being in an open relationship. We see each other as our primary partner, and insist that anyone else who comes into one or the other of our lives must know and accept that we are in this relationship. 

It's all way too much to put into one post. But as I said above, I'll fill in the details in the near future. 

The epilogue was premature. Rumors of the death of our relationship are greatly exaggerated and should be ignored! 

It feels good to be back posting.